"Klog" by Kevin Thomas

Episode 9
"Who watches the Klogmen? Nagging Dr. Phil does!"
Saturday, April 04, 2009

Freaks, there's nothing left to say. Except "FUCK YOU!!!" Don't worry, it will all make sense soon. Our plans for world domination are nearly complete. But wait, maybe I have said too much. There is still time for Morality Man to break into our secret underground lair and ruin everything. Oh wait, Jack Thompson is busy facing lawsuits for being a douche nozzle; Freedom of Fucking Speech is still safe from him. But don't find yourselves feeling emPathetic for poor little Jacky, after a couple more Turns of the thumbScrews he'll confess his douchbaggery. And when he goes to the final judgment and looks hard into that Mirror of Shadows he'll see himself for the quivering chapped cunt he really is. All I ask of you, fellow Freaks, is to "Think for yourself."

If the preceding paragraph made no sense to you, I DON'T CARE! I'm riding off the high of completion. Yes, you read that right, recording for the as-yet-unnamed EP is complete! Last night, with a little help from my friends (hookers and blow), I finished up vocals tracks on this bitch. You may be asking yourselves, "KT, what the fuck does this mean to me? Can I now walk into a store and buy it? Can I spread peanut butter on my taint and listen to it in my parents' darkened basement while cutting myself? What's the best way to get peanut butter out of a microfiber couch?" Well Freaks, the answers to all of these questions shall now be revealed. No, you can't go buy it in stores (though you can head over to Amazon or iTunes or Napster and buy the first album Echoes of Life, go on, you know you want to) because it hasn't been mixed or mastered yet, silly bitches. You can rub peanut butter on your taint and listen to Echoes for all I care, although I have a sneaking suspicion one of the new songs will make it onto thethirteenthhour.com before too long. I do suggest that you use creamy PB, though. As for getting PB out of a microfiber couch, I'm glad you asked that question. The first thing you'll need is a virgin…other than yourself. Taking a sacrificial dagger, you make an incision at…you know what, I'm getting sidetracked, I'll email you about it later.

So, what exactly got done, you ask? Random harmony vocals in emPathetic, random harmony vocals in Screw, "Fuck you"'s in FFS, and all the vocals in Mirror. Additionally, minor touch-ups were made in FFS…having nothing at all to do with me…my vocals are perfect first time every time…somebody else must have come in and turned up the suck knob…heh, "suck knob."

So what's next, you ask? You're sure full of a lot of questions, fucker. What's the deal, Asky McInquisitive? Why are you so interested? Who do you work for?!!! Dr. Phil sent you, didn't he? Well it's too late for him to stop us now, so I'll let you in on it. At this point, John will activate his magic samalflange and operate the ProTools. He'll come up with a rough mix and we'll laugh in his face and pretend we know what the hell we're talking about. We'll dissect it and ask him to change minute details at the molecular level. We'll say things such as, "turn up the goodadoom," or, "my guitar sounds too glossy," or, "can you flange the VU meters?" or, "strip a little of the melon out of the bass track." John will pretend to understand these commands and comply. He will later come back to us with the exact same mix and we will shout praises to his engineering genius from the rooftops. After this, the sample tracks will be added in and the whole thing will be mastered. And that my friends, is the story of Easter.

So there you have it. Things are moving right along. Until next time Freaks, always remember: by the power of Greyskull, I have the power.

P.S. The list of notable guest appearances on this recording now includes: Pussy McGeorge, Dr. Phil, Britney's snatch, the guy from Grim Reaper, Wheely McSlain, Doc Rokken, and Muzzy Skins.

P.P.S. Celine Dion and Mike Jaye also make an appearance, but they're not very notable.

P.P.P.S. TTH would like to thank some vegetarian guy for the use of his studio.

P.P.P.P.S. "Caught by your touch, I feel vaginas."

P.P.P.P.P.S. "I drown away the still nagging Dr. Phil."

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Just wait, when this thing comes out, it'll make sense…not really, but it's funny.

Klog the 13th Part VIII
"KT Takes Manhattan"
Thursday, February 05, 2009

Welcome back Freaks. It's a new year and I figured I might as well write one of these this year and get an early start on procrastinating. We've got a really great shoe for you today. First, a Zoroastrian priest will be braiding my back hair in the sacred rite of Rosh Hashanah. Next up we will have the musical styling of Chonch Pooter and her amazing singing cunts. Just after the midpoint on our shoe we'll bring in the artists formerly known as Aluminica to talk about their latest bowel movement: Just Give Us Your Money, We're Not Even Trying Anymore. And to round out the shoe we'll have…oh wait, what was it? Oh yeah, THE THIRTEENTH FUCKING HOUR IS ONE SESSION AWAY FROM FINISHING THEIR NEWEST RELEASE!!!1!!!ONE!1!!! LyKe 4 r33ls, lol! :)

So you may be saying to yourself now, "Self, that sounds good and all, but what does it mean for me? Will this somehow make my life better? Will it bring a bright ray of sunshine into my dreary, boring life? Can it be used to dice vegetables?" The answers to those questions are: "It means you are one step closer to total tonal enlightenment"; "Yes"; "Yes, loser"; and "What?"

Yes, Freaks progress has been made (finally), tracks have been cut, and awesomeness has been…uh, awesomed. To recap: drum tracks are done; guitar tracks are done; harmonica tracks are done; bass tracks are done; lute tracks are done; keyboard tracks are done; herdy gerdy tracks have been done, scrapped, and done again; and the pussy fart backing tracks are being completed as we speak…er, type…er, read. So other than the 80-piece orchestra (which we are still trying to assemble from hobos and deaf children) all that's left is vocals. Now you're probably saying, "We already know all that, K.T. What else is new?" Well to that I say, "DON'T FUCKING INTERRUPT ME, BITCH!! I was just getting to my point and you go and interrupt me. Can I continue now? Can-- No that's ok, I'll wait…Are you finished? Can I continue now? Are you sure? Ok then."

As I was trying to say before I was so rudely interrupted (bitch), vocal tracks have been cut, and are about 50% done. Let's see a breakdown, shall we?

Turn of the Screw
Main vocal: Complete
Harmony vocals: Not started
Additional vocals: Not started

Free F*cking Speech
Main vocal: Complete
Backing vocals: Complete
"Fuck You"s: Partially complete

emPathetic
Main vocal: Mostly complete
Harmony vocals: Not started
Additional vocals: Not started

Mirror of Shadows
Main vocal: Not started
Harmony vocals: Not started
Additional vocals: Not started

There you have it Freaks. Some minor parts need to be added and a couple parts need to be re-done (my vocal awesomeness overloaded the samalflange, I assure you I made no mistakes) and Mirror needs to be done in its entirety. After that, all recording will be finished. At that point John will work his magic and turn our AmateurTools recording into a ProTools recording. Mix, master, and press. Just like magic. And it only took like 15 years to complete, well within our original estimate. Please note that I will make absolutely no predictions on when or if this fucking thing will ever be finished because every time I do, shit gets fucked up. Suffice to say, expect another update sometime this decade either saying we're done or saying we'll never be done. KT out. Wait, that was kinda gay, I should never emulate Ryan Seafoam in any way, shape or form. Though it was a little pitchy, dawg.

P.S. We were very sad to hear about the death of Ricardo Montalban a couple months ago. Andy still pays tribute to his memory.

P.P.S. In his pants.

P.P.P.S. He named it Khan Noonien Wang.

P.P.P.P.S. He also named Mike's ass Kirk.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Khaaaaaaaaan!!!!!!

Episode 7
"Bass'ed on a true story"
Saturday, October 11, 2008

Welcome back, Freaks. K-to-the-muthafucking-T klogging in once again to bring some sunshine to your otherwise meaningless little lives. Try to drag yourselves away from the crushing despair of the realization that you're nothing more than a cookie cutter cog in the great machinery of a Starbucks swilling, Walmart shopping, consumerist society. Hey, I'm fucking talking to you! Can't you hear me over the sucking sound of your life running out a grain at a time? I'm sunshining here, goddammit. Ah forget it, don't know why I waste my brilliance on you lot. Anyway, here we go!!!!

So little Lance Armstrong Jr. finished up his bass tracks today. In all actuality, it only took about three and a half hours, which is a couple days less than I estimated it would take. Let me tell you Freaks, this recording is shaping up to be a monster. The bass sounds awesome (and why wouldn't it? After all, I was the one who set the tone) and with that low end in the mix it all comes together better. Hearing bass in these songs for the first time was nice.

From here, Brendan needs to add his little whatever the fuck he's doing to emPathetic, we may or may not be adding some bass to that stuff, and then we move this whole thing to a different studio and start tracking vocals. Freaks, it has been a long, long road with setback after setback, but there s finally an end in sight. We're just about finished with this thing. I won't make an estimate on completion because every time I do we get thrown completely off track. But suffice to say, we could very well finish this thing in this decade.

That's all for now, Freaks. Updates as they come….or as I find the time to sit down and write them out.

P.S. Naw, that's it for now. Next update I'll go crazy on them.

Episode 6.66
"Bass-ically, that's where it's at."
Sunday, September 21, 2008

Well Freaks, the suspense is over. By now I'm sure you've seen the press release, and if you haven't, go fucking read it! No, no, I'll wait. *hums* No, your time is much more valuable than mine, I'll just sit here while you figure out how to operate your web browser and go back to the front page to read the press release. It's not like I have lots of drinking to do today, and not enough time to do it in. Ok, have you read the damn thing by now? Good, then let's begin.

So yeah, Mike Jaye is back in TTH. And I for one am glad. Now I can start making Lance Armstrong and bicycle jokes again. In all seriousness, well, I don't do anything in all seriousness. Suffice to say, we welcome Mike back and say from the bottom of our hearts, "Hurry the fuck up and write some bass shit so we can finish this damn recording!" I better get away from all this warm and fuzzy shit or everyone will think I've gone soft.

Recording updates: Andy wasted a bunch of studio time recording his little guitar parts. As we stand now for guitar, Turn of the Screw is done except the intro, Free F*cking Speech is completely done, and Mirror of Shadows is done except Andy's solo and a couple finishing touches by myself.

So one more session by myself and Andy, bass, and vocals and then we're done. That's all for now, Freaks. I've got lots to drink, and only one liver to absorb it.

P.S. Mike admires Lance Armstrong so much, he cut one of his balls out.

P.P.S. The lack of testosterone is what compels Mike to dress up in frilly pink dresses.

P.P.P.S. It's not known what compels Andy to videotape Mike in his frilly pink dresses.

P.P.P.P.S. Alcohol is what compels Brendan to buy said videotapes.

P.P.P.P.P.S. And Kevin converts said videotapes to DVD because he fucking likes to. And to prevent the tapes from degrading and being lost forever. And because the fidelity of DVD is just so superior.

Episode 6.6
"ACK-YOU-STICK"
Sunday, September 14, 2008

Freaks, allow me to take a brief break from textual masturbation to shamelessly self-promote. As you may know, our debut release Echoes of Life can be found at itunes. Well, for those two or three of you that don't have an iSuck, you can now buy the album in mp3 form at Amazon.com. So if you don't have Echoes yet, what are you waiting for?!! And in all seriousness, if you already have the album, please go write some customer reviews on Amazon. The more publicity we have on the web, the better off we are. Thanks a lot Freaks.

Now let's get into the fucking update.

Guitar tracking is going great. We're nearing completion and everything is sounding fantastic. Today we finished everything except Andy's solos (go figure) and some minor embellishments on my part (because we need a little more of my awesomeness on the record). Here is the progress as it stands:

The Turn of the Screw
Andy and Kevin intro: To be tracked sometime this week
Kevin rhythm track 1: Finished
Kevin rhythm track 2: Finished
Andy rhythm track: Finished
Andy lead track: To be tracked sometime this week

Free F*cking Speech
Kevin rhythm track: Finished
Andy rhythm track 1: Finished
Andy rhythm track 2: Finished
Andy lead track: To be tracked sometime this week

Mirror of Shadows
Kevin rhythm track 1: Finished
Kevin rhythm track 2: Finished
Andy rhythm track: Finished
Andy lead track: To be tracked some day (if he ever writes it)

emPathetic
Andy acoustic track: Finished

That's about it for now, Freaks. As soon as we finish guitars, we'll get going on bass tracks (yeah, yeah, you'll get an official update on this soon…), then vocals, then John will perform his ProTools wizardry and we will have a finished product.

P.S. Bass on this recording will NOT be performed by a team of Oompa Loompas, no matter what TMZ says.

P.P.S. TMZ's rumor that Britney's snatch will be making an appearance on the recording, however, is absolutely true.

Episode 6
"Could you ladies please peel your sweaty chonches off my ears? Thanks."
Friday, September 12, 2008

Here we go Freaks, update time. So sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up, because the captain (me) has turned on the "sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up" light. And you will address me as Captain from now on…nah, I'm just fucking with you. It's Admiral. Admiral Pussy McGeorge.

Since your last peek into the awesomeness of TTH: we've set up the guitar rig, started recording Andy's rhythm tracks, and started recording my rhythm tracks. Andy is about halfway done with his rhythm tracks, and I'm about 3/5ths done with mine. And let me tell you, Freaks, this project is turning into a monster of Galactus proportions. I am actually slightly concerned that when this recording is done it will swallow the entire world and move on through space devouring planets. And Joe Satriani will be there with a magic surfboard. But I digress…

For the gear geeks who care about this sort of thing, I'll describe the guitar rig we're running. Primarily for rhythm tracks we're using a Marshall TSL100 head (noise gate and BBE Sonic Maximizer in the loop) running into a Marshall 1960A cab (T75 Celestion speakers). That's it. And it sounds fucking amazing. We have like 47 mics on the thing to capture all of my awesomeness and trust me, this guitar tone is going to come out of your speakers, drink all your beer, rape your wife, hit your children, and take a giant dump all over your chest. And you won't care because it just sounds so awesome. For alternate rhythm tracks we're planning on throwing in a Mesa Standard cab (V30 Celestion speakers) to see how that sounds in the mix. Andy's leads, and various other little guitar snippets will be run through our Line6 POD XT Pro's. My Ibanez acoustic will probably also be making an appearance. Guitars used include Carvin 727 (7 string) guitars and a Washburn Dime guitar.

Anyway, here's the progress breakdown for the two or three of you that actually care:

The Turn of the Screw
Kevin rhythm track 1: Finished
Kevin rhythm track 2: To be tracked on Sunday
Andy rhythm track: Finished
Andy lead track: To be tracked on Sunday

Free F*cking Speech
Kevin rhythm track: Finished
Andy rhythm track 1: Finished
Andy rhythm track 2: To be tracked on Sunday
Andy lead track: To be tracked on Sunday

Mirror of Shadows
Kevin rhythm track 1: Finished
Kevin rhythm track 2: To be tracked on Sunday
Andy rhythm track: To be tracked on Sunday
Andy lead track: To be tracked on Sunday (if he gets around to writing it by then)

emPathetic
Andy acoustic track: (hopefully) To be tracked on Sunday

So there you have it. Guitars should be completed on Sunday or at least 90-something percent complete. After that, we throw some additional drums on emPathetic (Brendan will be using Randy Roberts' drum kit for this; rest in peace, bro, we miss you). Then we'll be tracking bass. What's that you say? You say you thought TTH were looking for a bass player? You are wondering aloud how we will be tracking without a bass player? Well to that I say, "Learn how to ask a direct question, pussy! Sack up and be direct about it!" But I digress… I will say only stay tuned for a TTH news announcement to follow shortly.

After all that shit is tracked, we move to a slightly better equipped studio with a vocal booth and I rip my throat out and show it to you through the speakers.

I leave you for now, Freaks. Know this: this shit is going to rip some heads off and TTH is moving full steam ahead. As soon as this shit is recorded we will be hitting the stage again and tearing that shit up. See you soon Freaks, updates after Sunday.

P.S. Expect fun and wacky cameo appearances by Wheely McSlain and Pussy McGeorge. They'll be laying down some sick shit with pussies strapped to their ears. You have been warned. And knowing is half the battle.

P.P.S. G.I. JOE!!!!!

P.P.P.S. I don't think I put any lame 80's movie references in this one. So sweep the legs Johnny! Put him in a body bag!

Episode5
"That Foam-Rubber Tone"
Monday, August 25, 2008

Welcome once again, Freaks. This Klog finds our intrepid heroes firmly entrenched in the recording process. Since the last update John's samalflange has been repaired, which means everything is functioning properly. The lights are blinking, the knobs are being turned, the faders are…fading, the buses are doing whatever the fuck they do, and the flux capacitor is fluxing. This motherfucker is going live. John is working his magic in ProTools (more like AmateurTools with TTH involved) and (some) progress is being made.

The process has not been without problems here and there. Despite Steve Jobs' continued assertions that Macs are so stable they will sync with your iSuck, do your taxes, record an album, give you a blowjob, and withstand a nuclear attack without crashing, we managed to perform an illegal error which necessitated shutting down the Mac G5 we're recording on. So you know what, Steve? You can go fuck yourself, asshole.

While recording the drum tracks we also discovered that Brendan can't lock in with the click track if he can't hear it (pussy). After we cranked the fuck out of it, Brendan's headphones could be heard by passing motorists three blocks away. It won't exactly help ol' Grandpa Brendan's long-term hearing (and it might in fact have caused a massive brain tumor), but dammit, we're recording a fucking EP.

As far as progress made, drums are done except for some random gay little percussion shit in emPathetic, which is waiting on the acoustic guitar track. On Sunday we will get guitar tones and I will grace this project with my pure awesomeness. I'm hoping the brilliance of my rhythm tracks will breathe life into the otherwise uninspiring performance Brendan provided. At least until Andy gays it all up with his solos.

Anyway, consider yourselves updated. Freaks, until next time, don't try to pinch it off when you're about to shoot a load. You could explode a ball or blow it out your ass. Trust me; it's not as much fun as it sounds.

P.S. If you did want to try that nut blowing thing, it's convenient to keep a pair of needle-nosed pliers next to the bed. As least, that's what Brendan does.

Episode IV
"A New Hope…"
Sunday, August 10, 2008

Freaks, I know that I said I would be updating this thing frequently. Well now you know I lied. We have been hard at work (hardly working?) on getting the material together for the upcoming EP. No, no that's a lie too. The truth is, the four (three and a half?) songs for the EP have been complete for some time and we've been waiting on the studio gear side of things. I will go more into that later, first the songs (in tentative tracklist order):

The Turn of the Screw - This one is something old, something new. Parts of the song are reminiscent of the Echoes album, but there is a freshness as we try new things. The theme for this EP is throwing in everything we wanted to do on the first album, but didn't have the time to do so. TTOTS represents this spirit, and the extended intro will make a good opening to the EP (though we may end up creating a soundscape for track 1). The chorus of this one is catchy as hell, and I find it stuck in my head sometimes after rehearsal.

Free F*cking Speech - This is going to melt faces. It's all out thrash and brutality from start to finish. There's a fun audience sing along portion in the chorus that makes it an instant classic. When it comes time to record vocals for this one, we plan to try to get everyone we know crammed in front of a studio mic to get it down. It's going to be good times. Andy and I cut together an awesome sample intro to this one (actually Andy did all of the awesomeness, I just threw gay keyboards behind it so I could take credit for it, I have no shame). It sets the tone for the song perfectly with samples from the likes of Jack Thompson and Timothy Leary (yeah, figure that one out).

emPathetic - This is the beginning piece to the 5 or 6 part concept piece in work. It's being put on the EP for diversity's sake (some kind of affirmative action thing or something). This one is going to be fun to record because basically it's an acoustic guitar with vocals over the top. So the trick is filling in all the empty space around that without overpowering it. I think it's going to turn out really eerie and surreal. But I've also been drinking whiskey for 12 straight hours, so what the fuck do I know?

Mirror of Shadows (Descent into Madness) - This one gets the prize for longest TTH title ever (wait, that sounds like a challenge; hmm, I'm already formulating titles so long they'd put Alanis Morissette to shame). That being said, this one is my favorite that's going on the EP. This would be part 3 of the aforementioned concept piece. What happened to part 2, you ask? None of your goddamn business! This is a longer track, but it definitely doesn't get repetitious. We explore a lot of different musical themes in this one. It also tells a story (that doesn't really go anywhere without the rest of the concept piece). The chorus to this one is probably stuck in your head already, and you haven't even heard it yet. Here, I'll give you a sneak peak of this one by humming it: "da da da daa daaaa da da." There you have it Freaks, you heard it here first.

So that's the (tentative) tracklist. But when is it getting recorded. Well my friends, here is the sad, sad tale. Our good friend (and engineer from the first record) John Blanchard moved back to California from Oklahoma or Ohio or Oman or some fucking state out in the middle there somewhere, just to help us out with recording this EP. Yes, Freaks we have the power to disrupt lives on a whim. Actually, I think he got sick of Indiana or Idaho, or whatever far off land he was in. Either way, his misfortune turned into our gain when he agreed to engineer this thing for us, which was a great relief. You see, he actually knows what all those lights and sliders and knobs and switches and buses and inputs and flux capacitors do in Pro Tools.

So he got back to CA a couple weeks ago, and this past week he and Brendan proceeded to run snakes and setup mics and turn on lights and engage buses and activate flux capacitors in preparation of recording. Recording was to commence…yesterday. Sadly, John's samalflange compression algorithm thing broke and was unable to generate 1.21 jiggawatts to the flux capacitor, so time travel, and recording, was impossible to do. This week his samalflange will be repaired or replaced (or chucked off the balcony, which was MY suggestion) and recording should commence later this week and next weekend.

So that's where we stand right now, Freaks. Recording is imminent, based on gear getting fixed. Until the next time, stop bumping your rap music outside my house at the ungodly hour of 1pm when I'm trying to sleep, I know where you live and I'll cut your throat in your sleep!!

P.S. The next song in the pipeline is tentatively titled Dick Puke: A Song of Love and War in the Age of Syphilis (Before they had Medication for that)

Episode 2 Service Pack 1
"What do anal sex, cops and robbers, and Santa Claus have in common?"
Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Hey Freaks, here is a minor update to Episode 2 beta. Because it took so long to be released I shall dub it Service Pack 1. I have little to report, but I will patch a critical system flaw for you. After reading this, your machine will be less susceptible to gay porn spam. Or was that more susceptible? Oh well, it's unimportant. Anyway, the Klog must go on…

On Saturday, we worked on the two existing songs, The Turn of the Screw and Free F*cking Speech. And by worked on, I mean tried to see if we still remembered how to play them. As luck would have it, we did and got them recorded. I'm not entirely sure that FFS always had a Reggae beat, but Brendan assures me that my memory is just a little hazy. It must be, because the sitar solo in TTOTS also sounded unfamiliar, but hey, a lifetime of hookers and blow will do that to ya.

In addition to those, we adapted another song that has been in the works for some time. It's a short piece entitled emPathetic (final title) that is actually the lead-in to a much more ambitious piece. I can't say too much about this project, codename Shadows because I'm not even sure it will make it on this demo. Suffice to say it is shaping up to be a 5 to 6 song mini-epic I've been working on for some time now. emPathetic and an as yet unnamed second track from Shadows may or may not appear on this demo, we'll see how it shapes up.

Sakk Mylde is still on the shelf, to be reworked by Andy this week. Additionally, Brendan has two drum grooves recorded that Andy and I will be working on this week as well: Cops and Robbers (working title) and Santa Claus (working title). Both are very cool, and I already have a couple riffs worked up for Santa Claus, which I plan to record tonight and send off. I am confident that we will have 2 more songs completed within the next two weeks and be in the studio the following week. Project: Write and Record a Demo in Only Six Weeks and Have No Fun in the Process Due to Insane Time Restrictions is proceeding on schedule. We're toying with the idea of shortening that, but S.H.I.E.L.D. is already taken. Movie reference requirement satisfied.

Writing Progress
The Turn of the Screw - 98% complete
Free F*cking Speech - 98% complete
emPathetic - 100% complete
Sakk Mylde - 5% ready to start thinking of doing something with it
Cops and Robbers - (-2)% complete
Santa Claus - 20% done making toys for Christmas

P.S. If you don't get the S.H.I.E.L.D. reference, shame on you. Get your ass to the theater.

P.P.S. If you do get the S.H.I.E.L.D. reference, go pay another 12 bucks and see the best movie of the year again.

P.P.P.S. Why the fuck are you still reading this? Go watch the goddamn movie!

P.P.P.P.S. I'm not making fun of TTH members until you all watch the best movie of the year (until Dark Knight comes out.) Klog you later.

Episode 2.01
"Technology tasks me. It tasks me and I will have it"
Thursday, May 08, 2008

Welcome once again Freaks, to another Klog installment. Unfortunately, I have little to report. We'll call this Episode 2 Beta Release. I'll cover a few items of note that have happened this week, and hopefully after our writing session on Saturday, I will Klog you up with a more worthy version of Episode 2. Wait, "Klog you up?" That doesn't sound very appealing. Sounds like the beginning of a commercial for Super Colon Blow.

"Has your enriched diet of cheese and bacon left you all Klogged up? Try new TTH brand Colon Bomb ©. If our product doesn't keep you glued to the toilet for 16 straight hours, we'll refund less than 2% of your purchase price of 3 easy payments of $98.99. TTH brand Colon Bomb ©. Your ass is ours!"

Uh, I suffer from what you could call train of thought derailment. Anyway, here's your damn update:

Technology sucks. No, really. Our lives are so much more complicated than they need to be because of fucking computers. Don't get me wrong, I love computers….when they work right. This week has been an exercise in frustration. My Pro Tools Digi 001 soundcard refuses to play nicely with the rest of my computer. The Key Rig software for my MIDI keyboard will not recognize the 001 soundcard to use its MIDI module, and I cannot get Pro Tools to recognize the output from the keyboard running through my M-Audio sound card. So to record keys I find myself recording guitars in Pro Tools, exporting the audio, importing that audio into Cakewalk, and tracking the keys in Cakewalk. Obviously this is inconvenient. I'll figure it out at some point, but for now, fuck technology.

Andy is also experiencing a failure to communicate. His J-Station -> Cakewalk setup which worked perfectly fine last week is now somehow fucked. He can hear the audio from the J-Station, but apparently Cakewalk has gone deaf. So, this week has been a little slow due to testicle…er, technical difficulties. But we persevere.

Project: Gay Keyboards, hereby known as Crystalline Tears (working title), has moved from concept to partially recorded concept. I have the chorus riff (including keys) worked out, and I have a mental picture (my mental camera is on par with a stone tablet and chisel) of where the rest of the song will go. Hopefully I will get a verse-prechorus-chorus sequence recorded either tonight or tomorrow night.

Additionally, Andy's BLS-esque riffs, hereby known as Sakk Mylde (working title), is still in early fetal stages. At this point we don't know if it has a dong or a snatch, or whether it takes after Andy or his guitar (the unholy union of which I did not need to picture). I have a couple ideas for ole Sakk and, again, hopefully I will get that down tonight or tomorrow night. In the meantime it gestates and waits, knowing that its birth will herald the end of existence.
Well, that's about it for now, Freaks. Details as they are forthcoming. I will be back to Klog your tubes once more. Now I'm going to make like a fetus and head out.

Writing Progress
The Turn of the Screw - 95% complete
Free F*cking Speech - 95% complete
Crystalline Tears - 15% complete
Sakk Mylde - 5% gestated

P.S. I imagine the unholy union between Andy and his guitar involves a bottle of Courvoisier, a Barry White cd, Crisco, an input jack, and a reacharound. Try to get that mental image out of your head.

P.P.S. Now we know where Andy got his cable herpes. Too bad only two other people will get that joke. Limited inside jokes unnecessarily posted on the internet FTW!

P.P.P.S. Brendan's relationship with his drums is much more aggressive. A bottle of Old Crow, a Dying Fetus cd, and no lube. And Brendan is the woman.

Heavy Metal Klogs: Wading Kevin Thomas' Shallow Stream of Consciousness
Episode 1.666
"The Number of the Beast…The Klogging Beast"
Monday, May 05, 2008

What's up Freaks. I'm just klogging back in here for another short update. Klog, eh? Guess that's what happens when I tell Andy to come with a clever name. Clearly he doesn't have the required equipment. Fine, if that's how he wants to play, that's how we shall play. Allow me to introduce: Heavy Metal Klogs: Wading Kevin Thomas' Shallow Stream of Consciousness!!! Like it? I gotta admit it is kinda catchy. It gives rise to such brilliant taglines as:

Heavy Metal Klogs: the preferred footwear of The Thirteenth Hour
Rhino Records Presents: Heavy Metal Klogs: All your favorite polkas played by today's hottest heavy metal bands!!!
And my personal favorite:
When Iron Man travels to Bavaria he never forgets to pack his Heavy Metal Klogs.

As for writing updates, with my recent acquisition of an M-Audio Key Rig 49 MIDI controller, Project: Gay Keyboards is in full effect. Finally, my dreams of becoming the next Yanni will be realized. I managed to get a concept recorded and I plan to develop it more fully tonight. Andy and Brendan will be finding their inboxes Michael Bolton-ized. And I'm not talking about the gay porn I've been sending them. I should have a fully developed concept by mid-week and I will be sure to klog my way in here and give you the scoop. The scoop? Who am I, Jimmy fuckin Olsen? Anyway, stand by Freaks, same Klog time, same Klog channel. By which I mean here, whenever I get around to it.

Writing Progress
The Turn of the Screw - 95% complete
Free F*cking Speech - 95% complete
Andy's BLS-esque riffs - notevenstarted% complete
Project: Gay Keyboards - 5% Yanni

P.S. Kevin enjoys the John Wayne movie The Searchers because he secretly identifies with the white girl abducted by and made the wife of the Comanche chief Scar.

Episode 1.5
"Butt Fuck You?!"
Saturday, May 3, 2008

Hey Freaks, this'll be a short one, but I did promise an update. As I expected, today we hammered out the final arrangement of Free F*cking Speech (final title) and got a rough run through recorded. So with a couple finishing touches (SOLO!!!!) that's another one in the can. The song turned out just as mean as I thought it would be, and it's definitely gonna rip some faces off. Looking forward to playing this one live, if I can breathe long enough to do it. The vocals are raw and rapidly delivered. And after running through it several times today, my voice hasn't been this blown out since my gig at El Compadre [note from editor: see Kev's bio]. With FFS basically written, we turn our focus to other works in progress. Andy and I will be sorting through his "BLS-esque" riffs this week. Also, Project: Gay Keyboards is progressing along. Details will be forthcoming as they make their gay appearance.

So that's pretty much it for now, Freaks. Two songs written, two or three to go, then we head into the studio and try to figure out where the "suck" knob is in Pro Tools. You will hear it as it happens. Until then "I'll butt……fuck you!"

Writing Progress
The Turn of the Screw - 95% complete
Free F*cking Speech - 95% complete
Andy's BLS-esque riffs - .01% complete
Project Gay Keyboards - gay% complete

P.S. Eh, I'm too tired….or drunk….which one do you shoot? I'll rip on us on the next one. "Duck sir" WHAM!!

Kevin Thomas (guest writer, TTH rhythm guitar & vocals)
Episode 1
"The Thirteenth Hour is Doing Something?"
Friday, May 02, 2008

I know what you're asking yourself. You're saying, "Hey, what's this shit that's actually being updated on the front page of TTH.com? I fear change and find comfort in knowing exactly what I'll see on the TTH site before I even go there." Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, but the big XIII machine is gearing up for some big shit in 2008, and that includes new material. 4-5 songs of new material, to be exact. Yep, we'll be writing and recording an EP for promotional purposes, and to make sure none of us enjoy the process at all, we're giving ourselves a deadline of one and a half months. Yes, we must be insane, but you can expect 4-5 working demo songs within the next 2 months. And I'm sure at least one of those new songs will be exclusively unveiled right here at TTH.com! And I've taken it upon myself to document this unique process right here for your viewing enjoyment(?)

So to bring you up to speed: one song, The Turn of the Screw (final title) is already just about completely written. There are a couple more details to see to (solo), and we (meaning Andy) just need to put some finishing touches (read: write the solo) on it.

Gear Shit: For all the other musicians in the house that bust a nut over this shit.
The album will be recorded using Pro Tools (what album isn't these days?) with a Digi 003 interface.
Brendan is using his custom Rockett Drum Works kit (detailed information can be, [note from the editor: read "will eventually be"] found on his bio page.) He is using CAD drum mics running into a Behringer mixer. Until the Pro Tools Digi 003 rig is up and running (should be within a week) the output from the board is running into a Boss digital recorder. This will work fine for the writing process.
Andy is using Carvin 7 string guitars into a Johnson J-Station (remember those?) running into Cakewalk Guitar Tracks on his computer.
Kevin is using Carvin 7 string guitars into a Line 6 PODxt Pro into Pro Tools via a Digi 001 interface (and I swear by the end of this project I will figure out what all those damn lights, knobs, sliders, buttons, waveforms, plugins, inputs, outputs, and buses do in that god forsaken program.)

Now that you ungrateful lot are basically up to speed, let's join today's episode already in progress…

This week has been incredibly productive so far. Brendan, Andy, and I have collaborated on writing a brand new song from scratch without even being in the same city. Brendan recorded some scratch drum tracks using the Boss recorder, and Andy and I have laid some guitar ideas over the top of them at our respective homes on our respective computers. Andy and I each recorded our own interpretation of the song and sent them off. Andy came up with an awesome verse riff that will make it in, and my chorus riff was chosen to make it in. Amazingly, Andy and I came up with almost the exact same riff for the chorus, mine was just fleshed out a little more.

Now, a verse and chorus do not a song make, but add in lyrics and vocals and you're closer. Add a rough arrangement and BAM! (my apologies to Emeril) you've got a song…or at least the skeleton of one. Using Andy's and my recordings I came up with vocal rhythms and wrote all the lyrics to the song. Tomorrow we will all get together and I'm confident we will come away with a solidified arrangement and a rough run through recording. The song, Free F*cking Speech (working title, most likely final title) is a fast and furious study in aggression. Uh, not a Fast and the Furious song, we're not Ludacris. This song is really going to rip some people's heads off. I would even go so far as to say it may replace Collapse as a show opener. And yes the song title is censored on purpose. Yes, it is ironic, that's the point. The lyrics were inspired in part by the wacky antics of Jack Thompson and the other hand-wringers.

So that's it for now Freaks. I intend to update this thing very regularly as shit happens. Expect another installment tomorrow detailing further progress on Free F*cking Speech and anything else that may catch our fancy. Ok, even I thought that sounded gay.

Writing Progress
The Turn of the Screw - 95% complete
Free F*cking Speech - 50% complete

PS: Andy has been working on some fairly badass riffs in addition to FFS. They are kinda Testament meets Black Label Society. In fact, if I close my eyes I can almost see Zakk Wylde playing that shit….if he had suffered a stroke that impeded his awesome playing ability (not really, but I don't think I gave Andy enough shit up there.)

PPS: I also have some other shit percolating in the background. Next week expect an update on Project: Gay Keyboards. No, I'm not kidding.

PPS: Brendan's ability and drive to write Rants, Facts, and Bitchery is directly proportional to the amount of hot man lovin' he gets. If you want to see RF&B return, send him a line at brendanleeigh@hotmail.com and let him know how much you appreciate his sweet ass. Give up the cock for some more rants